LATEST ARTICLES

Fear grips Federal Reserve as ink supply dries up

As supply chain issues continue to plague the country, it seems that the crisis has finally reached Big Ink. Once seen as...

Records show Rand Paul is sole senator to have passed economics

In another embarrassing disclosure for the U.S. Senate, school records obtained by Project Veritas confirm what many have long suspected–that the majority...

Panicked aliens unable to leave Earth “hellhole” due to gas prices

After thinking that visiting a foreign planet would make for a nice Spring Break activity, one alien family is desperately trying to...

Musk’s Twitter audit finds 80% of users are mindless drones

After Elon Musk seemed poised to proceed with his buyout of Twitter, his analysis of the users has allegedly put the deal...

Bette Midler advises blind people to “try seeing”

After the unanimously positive response to her suggestion that women unable to procure baby formula should “try breastfeeding,” life coach Bette Midler...

FDA suggests formula-deprived babies simply “eat cake”

After consistently outlawing the importation of baby formula from Europe, the FDA faced an apparent problem in February when multiple U.S. manufacturers...

CNN sends Alito fruit baskets for boosting ratings out of gutter

After their audience had dwindled down to a total of 14 people–12 of whom were mothers of their network anchors–CNN has finally...

CNN+ and Netflix found in discount bin at Goodwill

Every so often, a thrift store devotee is sure to stumble onto a rare and fascinating find. And one patron of the...

Twitter relieved as billionaires save it from takeover by other billionaire

As safe spaces quickly reached maximum capacity at Twitter headquarters today, employees openly panicked at the growing threat of evil billionaire Elon...

Citizens observe Tax Day with traditional offerings to god of roads

At holy post office sites across the United States, citizens spent this April 18th giving their yearly tithes to the IRS, also...