Biden says he’s not in bed with Big Tech: “We’re just good friends.”

After witnesses claimed to see Mark Zuckerberg doing the walk of shame out of the White House for the third morning in a row, servants at the dignified mansion apparently engaged in some not-so-dignified gossip on the nature of the “friendship” between the administration and the social media darling.

According to anonymous–and therefore eminently believable–inside sources, Zuckerberg has been seen surreptitiously leaving the estate multiple times looking “wealthy, but like a wussy sellout,” and clad in bizarre clothing. His suspicious attire has included shirts with buttons and socks with no cartoon characters on them. 

It is unclear if he has intentionally donned different duds simply in order to throw reporters off his trail, or if his groomers in the White House are helping to reinvent him with a makeover that will reveal a strong businessman under the Mario Bros. hats (and over the special booster seat they give him in Congress).

Despite the proven close contact between the two, White House spin doctor Jen Psaki has repeatedly clarified that Biden “did not have inappropriate relations with that social media man.”

When asked why Biden wouldn’t just answer for himself, Psaki accidentally grumbled on a hot mic, “Did you not just hear his diatribe on whether kids should believe in a man on the moon? You think I have time to run interference for that guy one more time tonight? I have reservations at the Plaza.”