One-time yoga class attendee takes to sofa to critique Olympic gymnast

PC: www.stannah.co.nz/ on flickr

After repeat champion Simone Biles abruptly withdrew from further competition in the 2021 Olympics, armchair analysts were quick to give their expert opinions on the move. And at the forefront was amateur psychologist Nicole Sarwark (who has technically never met Biles, but did once attend a yoga class and therefore understands the athlete mindset). 

Sarwark began by describing what Biles was feeling when she made the surprise decision. 

“She just couldn’t handle the pressure to compete at an elite level. I know, because I felt the same way when I was asked to sing a solo in the tri-county choir. Of course, I knew I couldn’t let everyone else down, so I did it anyway.

“I guess that’s the difference between me and these out-of-touch celebrities,” Sarwark continued. “As a semi-professional singer, I wouldn’t let anything get in the way of making my fans happy. I stayed with that choir, clear up until choir practice got in the way of Ladies’ Poker Night at the bar.”

Sarwark went on, “Simone has also never had to meet any real challenges, so she just folded like a lawn chair when one came up. When I started attending pottery class, I got lost looking for the community center where it was being held, and I even had to drive through the bad part of town where the Yokem boys live, but I still went.

“Of course, I took one look at that clay and realized it would ruin my press-on manicure, so I couldn’t actually stay for the class, but I made sure to get my money back. Because you can’t just give up when someone points out that you signed a paper saying ‘no refunds.’”

Sarwark finished with some words of wisdom for Biles:

“If you can’t handle a little stress and hard work, or if you think you’re too good to be inconvenienced, you’re probably just never going to be a 30-time medalist, like that one girl. You know, the one who lived through abuse by her doctor, injuries, unfair scoring by the committee, and all that stuff?

“Oh, that was this girl, you say? Well, she just needed to try a little bit harder then. Like I did when I went to that sewing class and stayed until I pricked my finger and had to leave due to the PTSD. You can’t mess around with that stuff, you know.”