Shocking studies suggest employment rises when people allowed to work

PC: U.S. Embassy Tel Aviv - commons.wikimedia

After President Joe Biden boasted of increasing employment numbers, eagle-eyed economists noticed that the increase in employment seemed to coincide with the government’s decision to allow increasing numbers of employers to employ people. And after studies evidently confirmed this, experts are wondering if there might be a connection between more employers employing and more employees being employed.

“Business has skyrocketed since we were allowed to open,” says small shop owner Jeff Biggs, who has run his company for 40 years. “And now that we are making money again, we can afford to hire back our workers.”

Although the relationship between the two factors may seem obvious to the uneducated, some statisticians caution that correlation does not necessarily equal causation.

“Careful inspection of job reports did reveal that each time a business was allowed to open, more people got jobs,” admitted John Keynes III, grandson of a successful economist who successfully died in poverty after mooching off everyone who didn’t chase him away with a stick. “But allowing the market to function goes against everything my grandfather taught, so it would probably be best just to ignore it.”

For now, politicians–who get votes by promising people free money to stay home–advise that citizens not jump to conclusions about the studies. 

“It’s probably best to just assume that President Biden’s leadership is what got us here,” noted Jen Psaki, Biden’s PR stuntwoman.