Cuomo apologizes for “inappropriately” slaughtering elderly

PC: Diana Robinson - Governor Andrew Cuomo, Wikimedia

After admitting to touching thousands of nursing home patients with his cold hand of death, Governor Andrew Cuomo explained that the gesture was simply a part of his culture.

“I never killed anyone inappropriately or made inappropriate homicidal advances,” Cuomo said during an emotional press conference. “You can go find hundreds of pictures of me killing people, men, women, children, et cetera. It is my usual and customary way of greeting.

“I never knew at the time that I was making anyone feel uncomfortable,” Cuomo continued. “I never, ever meant to offend anyone or hurt anyone or cause anyone pain… except, of course, for the natural pain of a horrible death by a vicious respiratory virus.”

Cuomo finished by clarifying that, despite the allegations, he would not be resigning. “I feel terrible that these people felt uncomfortable, felt hurt, felt pain, and even died from the interactions, and I’m embarrassed by it, and I feel bad from it. But let’s get real here: I’ve done worse, and you guys rewarded me with a book deal and a medal. 

“We all know the Cuomo family is like Teflon, and you’ll be back to kissing my keister tomorrow.”