In confused effort to avoid eviction from White House, Biden to reinstate moratorium

BC: Pete Souza for The Official White House on wikimedia

After President Joe Biden’s poll ratings dropped to record lows, anonymous sources claim he is planning to reinstate the recent eviction moratorium in a bizarre attempt to avoid being ejected from the White House. 

With many calling for him to be impeached over his handling of Afghanistan, Biden is reportedly eyeing unconventional options to avoid removal. And despite his advisors gently explaining that “that’s not how any of this works,” Biden evidently insists that the American public cannot legally make him leave the White House if the moratorium is reinstated. 

Biden has long held that owners of dwelling structures have few rights to their own property, and that they must allow tenants to squat there indefinitely despite breaking contracts they signed when moving into the space. Realizing that he is now essentially the unwelcome tenant on someone else’s property, Biden is reportedly beginning a movement entitled “Make Squatting Great Again” (which he insists was his own creation and not plagiarized from any other source). 

Biden has been heard repeatedly asking Jen Psaki to announce his “MSGA plan,” but reportedly, she has assumed that he’s just making up words again and has taken her usual approach of nodding politely and backing out of the room. Biden has also been given his usual instructions not to make any unapproved comments of his own, so it seems unlikely that the public will ever hear of his idea.