Truckers confess to simply being “mad they can’t date” Trudeau

PC:Mohammad Jangda on Flickr

After struggling to fight off the obvious sexual advances of the obsessed Freedom Convoy participants, a frustrated Justin Trudeau finally addressed his closeted admirers in a heated press conference.

“I want to make something very clear,” began Mr. Trudeau. “If truckers are mad they can’t date me, they can just say that instead of projecting their sexual frustrations onto my country’s roadways. If you joined the protests because you’re tired of not dating me, you now need to understand you’re breaking laws.”

“It’s getting really old dealing with the very obvious, strange, and deranged sexual frustrations that underpin truckers’ fixation on me,” continued the exasperated and reluctant object of everyone’s obsessive desire. “You clearly need therapy, won’t do it, and use politics as your outlet instead. It’s really weird.” 

He finished by calling the demented truckers “ya creepy weirdos.”

After the conference concluded, dejected truckers spoke to reporters and admitted that they had indeed staged the entire protest with the sole hope of getting Trudeau to be their bae. 

“It’s like the song says,” admitted one defeated Trudeau worshiper. “Everything we do, we do for him. We just have nothing better to do or think about than all these dreamy politicians. They are the center of the universe, and Justin is just all the rage right now.”

He finished with a stoic resolve, “I guess we need to finally admit that we peasants aren’t ever going to be in the same league as our leaders, and we have to accept our pathetic lives with our loving families and supportive communities.

“We’ll just never do any better than the productive and fulfilling relationships we have now, and I guess we should stop trying.”