CBS reports that Ukraine crisis motivated Cain’s killing of Abel

PC: Rr016 on Wikimedia

In a bombshell report, NBC has revealed that the first known murder in humankind was the result of the current dispute between Ukraine and Russia. 

After exhaustive analysis of major historical events, NBC identified over 200 incidents that they felt confident could be attributed to the modern controversy. From the Great Depression to the Civil War, they discovered that the Russia-Ukraine quarrel “could not be ruled out” as a contributing factor in many conflicts that might at first appear to be unrelated. 

But the biggest shock came at the end of their analysis, when they reached the beginning of recorded human history. The researchers apparently found evidence that Cain’s motivation for killing Abel was not petty jealousy over Abel’s winning of the sacrifice competition, as was formerly thought. Rather, the brothers were evidently arguing opposing sides in the Russia/Ukraine conflict, and Cain stabbed Abel for spreading “dangerous misinformation.”

According to several NBC interns (who begged not be named, lest their future employers learn they interned at NBC), the network will be releasing the full report in the coming days, after they have unearthed some more ancient problems to blame on Vladimir Putin.