Kerry urges Putin to consider solar-powered nukes

PC: U.S. State Department on wikimedia

Dedicated environmentalist John Kerry has confirmed that he recently flew his private jet to Russia to plead with Vladimir Putin to consider the carbon footprint of his war. He specifically recommended that Putin attack solar panels to any nuclear weapons he might use, and that he use rechargeable batteries on the remote control launch.

As of publication, we have received no official word on the outcome of the meeting. However, Putin was caught immediately afterward on a hot mic mumbling a comment to a colleague in Russian, which our translator says can be loosely interpreted as, “Is this goober freaking serious right now?”

Kerry seemed confident after the discussion, stating that he “went toe-to-toe” with the dictator and feels he succeeded in intimidating Putin, a certifiable lunatic who routinely boxes grizzly bears and once executed a blind man he believed had “looked at [him] kinda funny.” 

“We both recognize the importance of environmentally friendly invasions,” explained Kerry. “I knew he’d see reason after I explained that nuclear war could negatively impact Ukrainian air quality and endanger the Ukrainian speckled frog species. He knows he could mitigate that damage with the use of solar-powered bombs.”

News Your Way will update this story after Putin responds publicly, which he seems likely to do in his usual calm and not-at-all-bat-crap-crazy manner.