Buttigieg advises poor people to “just ride in their palanquins” to save gas money

PC: Jean-Pierre Dalbéra on Flickr

Like his colleague Jen Psaki before him, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg has continually expressed his desire to help the most impoverished Americans afford fuel during this time of rapidly rising gas prices. 

And like Psaki, he has shown that he really understands the struggle of the common man, as well as having a firm grasp of basic math and economics.

Psaki proposed an innovative new concept when she suggested that if people lacked the $7 they needed to buy gas to get to work, they could instead pay a mere $70,000 to buy a Tesla that would not require the $7 of gas, thereby saving themselves $2,000 in gas per year. Sadly, this seemingly perfect solution to the problem turned out to have a few flaws when real people with no real money tried to buy real cars with it. 

Fortunately, Secretary Pete came to the rescue with a more practical solution that he had used in his poorer days as lowly Mayor Pete.

Buttigieg explained that when he was short on cash, he simply invited his less-wealthy roommates to carry him in his pallaquin. He would pay them less than the cost of gas would have been, they were given a steady job with a bright future, and Pete would not have to get any unseemly exercise. Truly, it was the solution for every problem.

After he finished describing his plan to a room full of impoverished young mothers and elderly widows, their only question was how they would be able to afford to buy the pallaquin AND pay for their carriers. Buttigieg explained that normally mommy and daddy paid for those things, so they just needed to ask their retired, elderly, impoverished parents to foot the bill.

Reporters on the scene described a small riot breaking out then, as the constituents seemed displeased with the proposed solution their elitist betters had graciously explained to them. Buttigieg and Psaki, in particular, have asked that no footage of the event be made public, as they worried it would paint the audience in an unflattering light.