After winner Will Smith had his Oscar for best actor revoked, runner-up Joe Biden was given the award for his role in the political comedic farce “I Don’t Ask Hunter About His Business.” Smith was forced to surrender his award due to his assault of one individual, making this the 67th time serial killer Biden has managed to stumble into a life victory despite being both unqualified and morally bankrupt.
Although his portrayal of an innocent patsy garnered praise from both Hollywood elites and lobotomy patients, it received serious criticism from the rest of America. Perhaps due to this awkward dichotomy, Biden got an Oscar nod, but seemed unlikely to bring home the actual statue.
Asked how he felt about the win, Biden joyfully said he would use his new clout to overthrow Russia’s government and fund a mass movement of U.S. troops into Ukraine.
Editor’s note: Press secretary Jen Psaki has clarified that Biden said no such thing, and that everyone claiming otherwise is a terrorist bigot. We regret the error of believing our own eyes and ears, and we will exercise a more appropriate level of denial in the future.