After fruitlessly seeking common ground during a heated lead-up to their national convention, Libertarian Party members have finally discovered a cause on which the majority agrees. Observing that virtually none of the members ever shaved anyway, one diplomacy expert suggested that the party could be unified by their mutual distrust of clean-shaven individuals.
“The measure of a person’s hatred of the State is most often displayed by the length and smell of his facial hair,” noted the man (who could not be identified, due to the scruff that seemingly covered not just his face, but every visible body part).
Nodding in agreement, the other heavily bearded men began discussing how they could use this ideology as a way to unite the fractured party.
“We already have more members than we really need anyway,” continued the anonymous Sasquatch doppelganger, “so we have reached the point at which we should probably be focusing more on weeding rogue people out. I think facial hair is the perfect purity test.”
Asked how he thought the (predominantly unbearded) women in the party would react, Sasquatch Man responded in confusion, “We have chick Libertarians? I thought those were just an anarchist urban legend.”
Told that only three such women existed, the man breathed a heavy sigh of relief that sent his mustache fluttering in the furious wind.
“I was worried that we’d be losing a large portion of the party,” he mused. “But that’s only about 10% of our total membership, so we should be able to recover just fine. I move that we go ahead and put the motion up for a vote, then go find something else to fight about.”