Twitter terror as Musk releases “bombs” filled with banned opinions

PC: Dan Taylor / Heisenberg Media on Flickr

In a move that the victimized Twitter employee fears will lead to years of PTSD and expensive therapy, new board member Elon Musk began his tenure with an act of violence that government sources have deemed domestic terrorism.

This morning, at 7:00 a.m., Musk reportedly walked into his new office in a Darth Vader costume (according to our source in human resources, who was the only other employee there at that ungodly hour). He immediately began releasing banned Tweets from the toxic waste containers used to prevent any hazardous word leaks. 

The woman, who wishes to remain anonymous until she can secure the services of victim’s rights attorney Gloria Allred (and the accompanying book deal), says she immediately fled the office. But she fears that her brief exposure to different ideas may have already done irreparable damage.

“I’ve never heard such language,” the woman lamented. “Discussions about religious ideologies that were foreign to me. Debates about political views I had never considered.”

She finished with obvious dread, “I don’t think I can ever forget the novel concepts I learned. This new education may be permanent.”

Twitter CEO Lex Luther says he will use all means in his power to prevent such an incident from happening again, but now that someone who is tolerant and open-minded owns much of the company stock, “A Pandora’s Box of dangerous enlightenment may have been opened.”