Biden eliminates hedge clipper manufacturers’ immunity from liability

PC: Biswarup Ganguly on Flickr

After discovering that sharp objects were the second-most common murder weapon used in the United States, President Joe Biden has implemented an executive order to hold manufacturers of pointy gardening tools liable for any intentional death attributable to them. 

Biden initially suggested that all such objects, from hedge clippers to grafting saws, be outlawed and confiscated. However, his groundskeeping staff protested that maintaining the White House foliage without them would be impossible.

Eventually, in what everyone would surely consider a reasonable compromise, Biden decided the producers of any pruning implements utilized as weapons should simply be jailed (or just given the death penalty, should prison overcrowding seem problematic).

Reportedly, Biden is still mulling over the possibility of red flag laws and no-knock warrants for gardeners who seem a little sketchy, but he is likely to reserve such moves for obvious extremists such as rural dwellers and libertarians.