CNN sends Alito fruit baskets for boosting ratings out of gutter

P020106SC-0214 U.S. Supreme Court Justice Samuel A. Alito is seen, Tuesday, Feb. 1, 2006 in the East Room of the White House, with his wife, Martha-Ann, their son Phil, daughter, Laura, and U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts prior to being sworn-in. White House photo by Shealah Craighead

After their audience had dwindled down to a total of 14 people–12 of whom were mothers of their network anchors–CNN has finally seen its first rise in ratings since they began allowing Brian Stelter to talk without a teleprompter. 

Sources say the increase in viewership is strictly in two key demographics: women seeking abortions, and the reluctant potential baby daddies who eagerly support that decision. This led network analysts to conclude that the recently leaked SCOTUS decision to overturn Roe vs. Wade was the main contributing factor, and bigwigs immediately sent gifts of gratitude to Justice Samuel Alito, who reportedly drafted the decision.

Family members and employees of Alito reveal that since the draft was leaked, he has been receiving fruit baskets, cookie tins, and plates of those little brownie bites with the sprinkles on them.

Alito is supposedly “flattered” by the attention, but ungratefully complained that he would give all the gift baskets away in return for the ability to leave his house again without being accosted by peaceful protesters.