FDA suggests formula-deprived babies simply “eat cake”

PC: ajay_suresh on Flickr

After consistently outlawing the importation of baby formula from Europe, the FDA faced an apparent problem in February when multiple U.S. manufacturers had to close shop due to the discovery of salmonella in the formula at one factory. 

As Western Europe is a third-world region with no food safety rules whatsoever, the FDA warned Americans that formula from places like England would surely contain lead, formaldehyde, and maybe even the occasional cow hoof. But with no available local sources, parents worried their babies would go without the adequate nutrition guaranteed to be present in trusted American products.

It came as a relief, then, when the FDA–in tandem with the Biden administration–assured parents that if their infants did not have access to formula, the government would “let them eat cake.”

A few extremist domestic terrorists, otherwise known as “Libertarians” or “Republicans,” argued that a better solution might be to allow parents to access formula from the unclean foreign hellhole of Great Britain. Fortunately, the government has decided instead to do absolutely nothing for three months.

Update: Some concerning signs have indicated that the FDA might be caving and on the verge of giving in to the terrorists. Further updates will be provided on this developing story.