Panicked aliens unable to leave Earth “hellhole” due to gas prices

PC: Bruce Fingerhood on Flickr

After thinking that visiting a foreign planet would make for a nice Spring Break activity, one alien family is desperately trying to leave the place they are now calling “the armpit of the Universe.” 

Speaking on condition of anonymity, due to what he termed a “misunderstanding” with the United States FBI, the family’s evident patriarch bemoaned his brood’s predicament.

“We had heard such nice things about this place from our friends,” he commented. “I guess if you’ve only been to Mars, you think pretty much anywhere is ‘literally paradise.’”

He went on to speak of empty supermarket shelves, high prices, understaffed stores and restaurants, and “a planet full of idiot drivers who apparently haven’t invented the turn signal yet.” 

The family planned to cut the vacation short after the disappointing first few days, but they say they have found themselves unable to buy fuel. 

“An extra dollar per gallon of regular gas might not seem like much when you’re only going a few miles,” the father noted, “but for interplanetary travel, these prices are just impossible to afford. And forget about even finding any diesel. You people tell us to ‘just buy electric vehicles,’ but Elon Musk hasn’t even put Tesla plants on our planet yet.”

The alien man finished with a huff, “That Musk dude is the only thing you guys have going for you here, honestly. You should have him just take over everything. Has he thought of doing that?”