After desperate pleas from caffeine-deprived citizens, politicians on both sides of the aisle have promised to intervene in the catastrophic price hikes on the coffee needed by millions of Americans. Starbucks brews, vital to the functioning of helpless caffeine addicts, will hopefully soon be more readily available to those who need it.
Putting aside their differences of opinion on more minor issues, several lawmakers have begun crafting legislation that will force Starbucks to halt the price jumps that have rendered huge sectors of the population sleepy, irritable, and dangerously un-jittery. In a joint statement, Republicans and Democrats in Congress have declared, “Other issues have distracted us from this caffeine withdrawal epidemic for too long. No longer will impending war or natural disasters be allowed to get in the way of our duty to move forward on this urgent issue.”
Although the interviewed legislators do not seem to have a firm plan as of yet, the first move will be to ensure that government programs such as Women, Infants and Children (WIC) can be used to purchase basic beverages such as a double soy mochaccino. Stringent standards have thus far prevented needy consumers from using their entitlement benefits as they choose. “The first step to getting Americans the caffeine they need,” says congressperson Bernie Sanders, “is to make sure that the tax dollars of the unreasonably wealthy are used to help the needy access human rights such as luxury coffee. After we get that done, we can move on to strong-arming evil corporations to using the price points we in the government know are best.”