Republican Caucus Aims to Make Them “Less Unlikable”

According to a self-declared reliable inside source, a large group of Congressional Republicans have secretly formed a new caucus within GOP ranks, creatively dubbed “The Futurist Republican Caucus.” 

Asking to remain unnamed, the insider says that the associated members are responding to what they see as a “critical need” in their political party. Asked to explain in more depth, he explains, “We have all of our staff members working overtime as they plug every news article about American politics–and more importantly, every response–into an algorithmic matrix designed with several factors calculated to determine the absolutely most popular position on the important issue of the day.” He goes on to describe their intention for the gleaned result: “From this, we hope to be flexible enough to respond to the ever-changing currents of today’s political trends. If all goes well, we will be able to immediately flip-flop our position on any current issue to the most popular opinion of the day.”

In an even more surprising revelation, the source says that they intend to replace the traditional  elephant of the Republican party with a new emblem. Saying they want to “appeal to the more image-conscious voters of today,” the insider reveals that the new design will be the traditional weathervane (but with the rooster on top replaced with a more modern frog). “This will reflect our new paradigm of not being committed to fixed positions.”

When our reported asked what the underlying principles would be, the source hastily corrected him. “The very point of the Futurist movement is that we do not have the luxury of principles. It is our future as politicians that is at stake here, and we cannot allow principles to stand in the way of such a noble and lofty goal. In short, we have realized we are going to have to be more like the Democrats.”