Religious Conservatives Benevolently Stop Praying for California to Fall Into Ocean

In a move that many have deemed surprisingly progressive, conservatives have banded together to send thoughts and prayers to spare California from destruction.

As annual Independence Day sewing circles commenced across the country on July 4th, the members congregated to express gratitude for their freedoms, their families, and the fact that they did not live in California. But in a turn of events unexpected on a day devoted to enjoying first-world comfort, a massive temblor hit the Golden State and changed the course of history.

In the subsequent weeks, people who once devoted hours of conversation to decrying the ills of all Californians have suddenly decided they deeply care for the “really good” people there. Condemnation has ebbed, while goodwill has trickled a little less slowly than it has in years.

The weeks since the seismic shifts have seen dramatic shifts of another kind: emotion. Conservatives have thought more kindly of their progressive fellow citizens and have started online “thoughts and prayers” groups to help them in their time of need. And in a typical display of true love, progressives have gallantly ceased directing obscene hand gestures, projectile beverages, and even vicious comments at the conservatives trying to help them.

Only time will tell for certain if this newfound respect continues. But surely, nobody would forget the feelings they are experiencing and simply go back to being petty harpies to each other again in a few months. That would simply defy human nature.


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