Basement-Dwelling “Sedentary Warriors” Poised to Save World

A recent study has concluded what progressive gamers have long known: exhaling excess carbon dioxide is the primary cause of the recent rapid rise in Earth’s temperature. Generously funded by Nintendo, the research indicates that any degree of physical activity increases a person’s output of carbon dioxide to an unacceptably high level.

Simply put, exercise is killing the planet.

This discovery has vindicated “sedentary warriors”: responsible adults who have chosen to sacrifice both health and employment to stay home all day, every day. Ignorant employed people have long mocked adults who live in their parents’ basements and wiggle nothing but their gaming fingers, claiming these people are “lazy mooches.” (Source: Comment Section, The Daily Wire) And sadly, misguided parents have frequently agreed. This has led them to callously insist their grown children get moving–and maybe even get jobs–but this is a grave mistake that can be avoided once they understand the noble motive behind this misunderstood loafing.  

With some basic understanding of the settled science of climate change, sloth-shamers will learn to see this inactivity for the sacrifice it truly is. The real reason behind the refusal to move (or even seek employment) stems from their advanced understanding of scientific concepts that conservatives simply do not understand. 

If these backward “workers” want to be on the right side of history, they need to accept that their grown children will be moving back into the basement and taking up an environmentally responsible hobby. Nintendo strongly suggests playing video games.