Social Media Sleuths Conclude That Colonel Mustard Killed Jeffrey Epstein in the Prison Ballroom

After every possible witness at the Metropolitan Correctional Center inexplicably died before they could be questioned, the FBI initially despaired of ever solving the mystery surrounding the death of inmate Jeffrey Epstein. But after asking the general public for help, investigators say that keyboard warriors have once again given the answers that eluded federal agents. 

Speaking on condition of anonymity, one agent explains, “After we subpoenaed all the correctional workers who had contact with Epstein in the hours leading to his death, they suffered a series of unfortunate fatal accidents. So, we really had no choice but to ask people who had no connection to the case–or any investigative experience whatsoever–for help.”

And they have apparently delivered.

By scouring Facebook threads and infiltrating chat rooms, agents were able to question amateur detectives who had read all available clues. “They eliminated all other obvious suspects,” says the FBI source, “and Jeffrey was known to enjoy a good dance party. We feel confident that we have solved this one.” 

The only remaining question, says the source, is how Colonel Mustard carried out his dastardly deed. “All that was found near Epstein was a sheet, and we all know that’s not one of the approved weapons for a murder mystery. I guess we’ll never know exactly what happened.”

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