Schoolteachers React Positively to New Vodka Drinking Fountains in Lounges

As the new school year began in limited areas of the country, teachers in a handful of districts had the opportunity to give the Department of Education’s (DoED) latest idea a test run. Vodka fountains, affectionately nicknamed “sauce spouts” or “juice jets,” made their debut in new buildings, and teachers say they are already seeing a vast improvement in morale among their colleagues. 

Speaking on condition of anonymity, one pleased teacher observed, “Do you want to see my tattoo?” before falling out of her chair and drooling on the floor. (Note: Other staff members made similar comments and suffered similar falls, so our reporter was forced to cut the interview portion of the tour short.)

Representatives from the DoED say that unless they receive any unexpected complaints from teachers, they will begin retrofitting older schools with new pipes to carry alcohol to all teacher’s lounges, and all new schools will be built standard with an extra set of pipes. 

Rumor has it that schools in wealthier areas like Beverly Hills will be dispensing fine wine instead of vodka, but the DoED representative insisted, “We treat all of our school districts the same. No preference in beverage quality will be given to anybody, no matter how much the teachers pay us under the table.” 

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