Citing Evangelicals’ Apparent Willingness to Compromise All Biblical Standards When Voting, Democrats Confidently Woo Them for 2020

In their first joint interview since a rumored unpleasant hair-pulling incident on Real Housewives of D.C., Chuck Schumer and Bernie Sanders sat down with our reporters to discuss the Democrats’ strategy for the 2020 election. More specifically, we hoped for answers about Schumer’s “not-at-all-desperate” move to win over “religious nuts. Er… religious voters.” 

Pressed for details, Schumer explained, ” We feel that since they supported Donald Trump overwhelmingly in the last election, despite his fondness for adultery, covetousness, and all the other stuff forbidden in those twelve… commandments? I think? Anyway, the door is now open for Democrats to reach out to them.”

Sanders broke in proudly, “We feel that we can compromise our beliefs as well as any Republican, so we are beginning by offering to put forward legislation that will restrict abortions so that they are only performed on even-numbered days. This would obviously reduce the number of abortions by 50%, which is certainly enough to placate the typically casual “pro-life” voter.

“In addition to this, we understand the concerns many hardcore evangelicals have with gay pride events. To address this, we have received assurances from the LBGT community that they will try to act “less gay.” 

“Overall,” concluded Sanders, “We are hoping to connect with the less-religious evangelicals who are not as committed to the whole ‘Biblical’ paradigm and who are willing to accept that an alternative devotion to something else, such as Satan, is equally valid. Our expert polls have shown that this is a growing movement in the evangelical community. We intend to reach out to those disenfranchised Christians who feel uncomfortable with condemning sin.” 

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