“Libertarian Monopoly” Bout Erupts in Violence Over Park Place Property Rights Dispute

It was predicted to be just another game night with friends, but this week’s tournament participants rapidly came to blows when one couple unwisely brought Libertarian Monopoly as their contribution. In a tragedy that they say in retrospect “could probably have been predicted,” the women of the two formerly friendly couples say their relationship has been damaged beyond repair by the fallout from one very brief competition.

Sam and Susan Stewart say they expected a pleasant evening with their new neighbors, Biff and Beryl Bundy. Given that they’d already had one successful game night, it seemed like the most likely outcome. “We played Battleship,” comments Sam wistfully. “I suppose I should have seen the warning when Beryl kept worrying that our ships were in the previously agreed Bundy water. She wanted to run tooth floss between all the little bumps to divide up national waterways. The game ended due to an ‘accidental’ break of the last floss piece, which obviously resulted in game chaos.”

“I kinda liked that part,” admitted an abashed Susan.

“We thought this time we’d go with something simple, yet unnecessarily contentious, like a Libertarian Monopoly marathon. But the first time Beryl was sent to jail, she became very upset and began demanding of all participants if she were ‘being detained.’ To calm her, we fished a fake “Get Out of Jail Free” card and handed it to her, whereupon she informed us that he was just two days away from tunneling out anyway. 

After the tense beginning, Sam strove for harmony through a bland, half-hearted performance. Unfortunately, this gave Beryl the first shot at owning Park Place, which was clearly her intended prize from the first roll of the dice.

And then began the real physical duel. Upon gaining ownership of her dream estate, Beryl was determined to keep riff-raff off her new high-society property. So when Susan tried to sneak through the square on her next roll, Beryl had no choice but to send her little dog character to bite Susan’s rocking horse, after which Sam and Biff looked at each with glints in their eyes and empty spaces in their mugs, nodded subtly to each other, then crept to the rec room for a few beers. ‘Twas then that Republican Biff and Democrat Sam realized that their ideological differences would never get in the way of their friendship. Unfortunately, their wives also realized something that day: Libertarians can never play nicely with other Libertarians.

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