Trusted investigative journalists have uncovered irrefutable evidence that President Donald Trump is planning to use giant catapults, or trebuchets, to thwart potential tsunamis. Reporters from the online magazine Axis, who assure our trusted reporters that they received their information from other trusted reporters, have verified their findings by waving what appears to be an official-looking binder of notes in front of our noses.
“Our source wishes to remain anonymous,” say our Axis sources (who wish to remain anonymous), “but he says he overheard somebody in a coffee room in Little Italy say that Trump is very concerned about tsunamis in the area, and he apparently intends to use trebuchets to sling people at them, probably in some ritual to appease the tsunami gods or something.”
As reliable as this source is, we feel we should mention that other witnesses claim that Trump was actually just asking about a good place to get a good pastrami sandwich. Unfortunately, as so often happens, deadlines prohibit the time-consuming drudgery necessary for further research, and we simply can’t be expected to do all of your fact-checking for you.