To Avoid Offending the Factually Sensitive, Amazon Introduces Alexa Series Featuring “Customizable Truth”

After thousands of disgruntled customers rightfully pointed out that moral truth is more important that empirical facts, Amazon is finally addressing those concerns in their new “Factually Sensitive” Alexa prototypes. Specifically, the units will feature toggle switches that allow the user to choose an Alexa answer setting for each political party, thus avoiding challenging the worldview of the listener. 

An Amazon spokesperson explains, “Although it should be clear that all of our valued customers make up their own minds without being brainwashed by any media force, it remains important that we avoid challenging any of the conclusions that they have spent many minutes reaching. We are not here to expose our educated customers to new and discomforting ideas.

Asked for an example, the representative explains that a request for the definition of a loaded word such as patriot could either list a positive appreciation of a country (a definition a Republican might deem accurate), or an extremist nationalist ( a definition pleasing to a Democrat). “We have no desire to force our customers to think outside their political boxes or stretch their tolerance and intellectual muscles. Talking points are the best way to convey important information to our customers.

When asked if he has a favorite setting on the new Alexa device, our source grinned and enthusiastically blurted out, “Libertarian! It was a beast to devise the wording for all the other political parties, but our polls showed that the best response to any Libertarian’s question was simply, ‘Taxation is theft.’ Those Libertarians are the only reason we were able to pull off this by the deadline.”