“Christian” turns to pillar of salt after backward glance at Popeye’s

In a shocking scene straight out of a horror book (of scripture), a Missouri woman was cursed with a decidedly unfashionable body made entirely of salt (which we all know is a totally 2017 skin and hair trend that needs to stay in 2017, ammirite?). 

To make the occurrence even more disturbing, physicians at the scene have announced that they are as yet unable to answer even the most basic questions about the woman’s state. Is it iodized salt, or could this poor woman now be at risk of iodine deficiency? Is it an overly processed mill “salt” that removes all the other minerals that give it flavor and nutrition? How safe will this woman be in a body composed entirely of salt?

We may never be able to answer these plaguing questions in this lifetime. We can’t even determine this woman’s identity, although her reputed husband supposed goes by the street name “Lot.”

In a case with so few answers, we have at least determined how we can avoid such an incident in the future. Witnesses say the woman wanted to go to Popeye’s restaurant for dinner, but her husband warned her that a curse would fall upon their houses if they didn’t flee to the holy Chick-fil-A. Lot’s wife reluctantly agreed, but apparently, she showed her lack of faith by looking back in longing for a bite of crispy Popeye’s. Hopefully, we can all learn from this tragedy that when we know the best chicken is right in front of us, we need to dedicate ourselves to it wholeheartedly. And with both eyes.

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