Zucchini Plague Strikes Wicked Nation

In a catastrophe of biblical proportions, a terrifying breed of summer squash has infested the United States from coast to coast. Scientists call the noxious plant “zucchini,” but many people are calling it a well-deserved punishment for a fallen country.

Residents of southern states were the first to notice the rapid encroachment of the bizarre, tasteless vegetable, and they quickly tried to warn other areas. But as in ancient times, many people were slow to heed the warnings until it was too late. As of the latest report, the plague has spread across almost the entire country, and residents claim that an individual zucchini can grow more than a foot in a mere week. (Note: This rumor has not been confirmed, and this publication cautions that it is obviously likely to be a gross exaggeration.)

Helpless against the infestation, people who have fallen victim to the parasitic plant have resorted to inhumane methods of shifting the burden to neighbors and even family. Tales of zucchini bread, muffin, and even smoothie “gifts” have been reported. If the stories are true, one can only imagine that this cruel wickedness will lead to an intensifying of the plague. It could even lead to an annual return of the horror.

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