Poll Confirms That Your Kids Are Better Than Other People’s

A recent survey of schoolteachers has revealed what you probably already knew: other people’s children just aren’t as good as yours. 

Each new school year, parents happily anticipate the opportunity to pressure their young children to excel at vital school subjects, such as leaf-pressing and macaroni art. With competition to get into the nation’s most overpriced universities at an all-time high, parents know they need to begin with an overpriced preschool and keep their children competitive all through their secondary education years.

And it seems to be working.

Preschool teacher Marilyn Ruble assures everyone who walks through her door for today’s parent-teacher conference that their child is the most extraordinary, and that the incident on the playground last week was definitely the other kid’s fault. She also vows to make sure that their child lands that first chair in the recorder concert that they were obviously robbed of last year.

Over at the high school, the end result of raising such exemplary children is clear, as every student has already earned a participation trophy, despite the fact that their school year doesn’t even begin until next week.  

Both teachers and parents have been pleased with the results of the poll, with teachers no longer having to suggest to parents that their child might not be perfect, and parents no longer having to worry that anybody else might be unaware of their superiority as parents. The only people who seem unhappy are the children themselves, but that is most likely just because they haven’t been told enough today that they are better than everyone else. 

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