Putting rumors of a Cruella de Vil partnership to rest, Senator Bernie Sanders has finally revealed his choice for running mate. Explaining that killing puppies is socially unacceptable, he has instead chosen the more progressive Thanos. And his fan base clearly approves.
“I was really worried about the de Vil thing,” says one Bernie Bro. “I mean, who kills a puppy? People keep saying it’s not really even a fully developed dog yet, but come on. Does it really matter how old it is? Nobody is going to buy that.”
A bystander echoes the relief. “De Vil had her good points, and puppy coats were only 3% of her clothing business, but I just don’t think anybody would vote for somebody who supported that type of brutish practice. Human elimination is the real future of population control.”
Explaining his decision, Sanders notes that he although he is obviously opposed to “oppressive” no-kill human clinics, he firmly supports no-kill animal shelters. “Every dog deserves a chance at a good life, even if it might have a rough go of it in a shelter for awhile. We obviously don’t kill animals just because they might suffer in life.
“We are not a bunch of Barbarians,” Sanders concludes with an eye roll.