New York Times keyboards “took aim” at respectable journalism

In just the latest bizarre incident of machinery revolt, computers at the New York Times office reportedly self-animated this morning and began typing stories intended to discredit the respected newspaper. Before any rational human could intervene, the computers released the embarrassing pieces, leaving editors scrambling to make apologies and salvage their reputation. 

As alleged by humiliated Times “journalists,” their writers arrived at the office this morning to find that some computers had typed unprofessionally vague descriptions of important events, leading to accusations of bias and even “downright chicken-crap, namby-pamby, panty-waisted cowardice.” 

Times administration gave all employees the rest of the day off, ostensibly to allow them to recover their dignity in private. However, sources say that they were inexplicably given instructions to “read a freaking basic journalism manual” during their recovery time.