Turf war erupts during annual school fundraiser

Fundraising season always puts local neighborhoods on edge, but this year’s coupon book sale finally brought the clash that has seemed inevitable for years. The battle over sales regions ultimately turned violent, with several competing parents alleged to have beaten rivals with clipboards and stabbed them with sign-up pens. Authorities are even comparing the incident to the Girl Scout Cookie Riots of 2012.

Community members are hoping that Parent-Teacher Association (PTA) officials will finally agree to discontinue the dangerous event. Unfortunately, if PTA history is any indicator, the community will see the coming years bring only escalation.

This year’s season began much like any other, with PTA members instructing children to approach helpless local residents with promises of discounts on area businesses. These usually include enticing bargains such as “buy nine pesto meatball hoagies, and get a free small soda.” 

Predictably, hordes of eager buyers sign their life savings (and even home deeds) over to the small vendors.

Naturally, tension arises as parents scramble to target the most generous residents before the competition can reach them. But in past years, violence has been avoided due to back-alley agreements between opponents.

This year, those uneasy truces obviously failed to keep the peace. Time alone will tell if the community can find a peaceful resolution to the escalating war.