Beto vows, “We’re going to take your assault speech”

In what has been hailed as the standout moment in the Democratic debate, Robert Francis McFly MacGregor O’Sullivan “Beto” O’Rourke promised to finally put an end to the deadly word epidemic sweeping the country. 

Skateboarding up to his podium and leaping atop it, Beto dominated the debate from the first moment. But it was his scathing indictment of the First Amendment that literally brought his groupies to a standing ovation (and likely obliterated his rivals’ chance at the Communist Party’s nomination). 

The diatribe began when moderators asked Beto what he would do to curb the outbreak of free speech that has been plaguing the country, and he jumped on their table and began to scream about the evils of free expression. With hands waving in obviously genuine emotion, he promised to use a presidential mandate to put an end to all scary-sounding language.

Apparently encouraged by the positive response, he continued to expound on his plan, which includes confiscation of any means of dangerous self-expression, including computers, pens, paper, and skywriting airplanes. 

“We’re not going to allow your military-grade words to be used against our fellow Americans anymore,” he concluded.