Updated “Princess Bride” removes offensive depictions of unemployed Greenland giants, other marginalized groups

In an effort to combat the rampant antiquated messages portrayed by Hollywood, Woke Flix is set to produce a progressive update of the inexplicably popular film The Princess Bride

And among others, animal rights activists, feminists, and the Union for Persons Sporting More Than Five Digits on One Hand (UPSMTFDOH) say the remake is long overdue.

“Thanks to the movie’s stereotypical portrayal of miracle workers, we’ve been treated like we’re all freaks with really bad hair and warts on our hooked noses,” says Miracle Marnie, a lovely woman with flowing white hair and warts on her hooked nose. 

Activists from the animal rights group PETA share the concern about the film’s stereotypical characters, stating that the portrayal of Rodents of Unusual Size (ROUS) has been damaging to the entire population. The group has released a powerful statement, claiming, “People assume these large rats are all dangerous savages, and when tourists go into a fire swamp, they think they’re being heroic or something for killing an ROUS. People are hunting them for trophies now.” 

Pirate organizations, princess unions, and The Unemployed Giants of Greenland Association members have all likewise come out in support of Woke Flix. One wonders why it took so long for this trainwreck of a film to be redone in a less offensive format, but all that matters is that it will finally join the ranks of other classics, i.e Psycho or Planet of the Apes, that have been remade into something much better than the original.