To commemorate the first of autumn–Latin for “a time to allow leg hair to grow freely”– women in Western nations began their traditional six-month shaving fast today.
Sponsored by Gillette, who is always the frontrunner in finding ways to sabotage their own sales, this year’s “Fur Fest” began with the usual group vow to abstain from all hair removal until March. This was followed by Gillette’s realization that this sponsorship was a really bad idea, which was then followed by the annual firing of their marketing team.
The next event was the raging razor bonfire, around which gleeful festival goers did their traditional dance. This was naturally succeeded by the usual carting of participants to the hospital for the treatment of lung injuries caused by the noxious plastic fumes, which for some reason seems to come as a surprise every year to teenagers attending for the first time.
The night ended with the highly anticipated fall boot extravaganza, in which women browsed 6pm pop-up shops for the perfect pair of ankle booties to cover their leg hair while still looking perfect with skinny jeans. As usual, this was the most popular part of the evening, with many attendees spending upwards of seven hours (and reportedly thousands of dollars) in the search for the footwear that they would immediately claim pinched their feet and would then relegate to the back of the walk-in closet.
All in all, this year’s festival seemed to be another raging success for boot manufacturers, but another steep loss for Gillette and their advertising staff.