Ben & Jerry’s destroys $5 million of own inventory to fight obesity

Taking a brief hiatus from campaigning for Bernie Sanders, Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield have decided to sabotage their own economy for a fun change. They recently destroyed $5 million of Cherry Garcia ice cream in an attempt to curb obesity, and Americans have already noticed a difference in their waistlines. 

Ben (or maybe it was Jerry… we don’t really know) explained, “When the Founding Fathers said we could freely eat frozen dairy desserts, they could not have foreseen the hydrogenated oils and Red 40 dye used in modern manufacturing. It seems clear that the Constitution is too antiquated to be sufficient protection against modern food processing.”

Jerry (or maybe it was Ben… we don’t really know) continued, “Although some kinds of ice cream should still be allowed, surely nobody needs a flavor that has 26 grams of fat per cup. With 610,000 people dying of heart disease alone in this country every year, not to mention all the diabetes and other diet-related problems, it’s just irresponsible to produce this product.

 “We know that Cherry Garcia is the ice cream most often used in late-night binges, so we didn’t feel right selling it anymore.”

When our reporter pointed out that once Cherry Garcia was removed from shelves, a different flavor would just become the most commonly used binge of choice, Ben and Jerry politely asked her to leave and stop making inconveniently valid points.