Continuing their time-honored tradition of patting themselves on the backs in their $8,000 dresses, the Hollywood elite did not disappoint with their most recent slew of acceptance speeches. As always, they had themselves in tears (and on pedestals), ultimately rendering the emotional judges unable to reach a consensus on whose lecture was the most insufferable.
The Golden Globes, just the first of approximately 17 bajillion yearly Hollywood award shows, pays annual homage to 28 different categories of artists contributing to film-making. This includes such obvious players as actors and actresses, but also more obscure groups such as sexual harassment settlement negotiators and sweeping-pedophilia-under-the-rug-specialists (SPUTRS).
But in a banner year for all categories, each of the 28 victors seemed to outdo the previous speaker in both volume and self-righteousness.
Whether it was the wealthy condemning the poor for failing to purchase solar panels, people in private jets raging against fossil fuel use, or residents of 18,000 sq. ft. mansions demanding that other people save the trees, it became evident that the highly coveted Most Narcissistic Acceptance Speech trophy was not a guarantee for any participant. So in an unprecedented move, the academy finally opted to just give every outstanding artist a participation award and a nice cash settlement for whatever pending sexual harassment claim they were either prosecuting or defending.
And seeing the inspirational grandstanding, one can only assume that the peasants watching from home were as impressed with the stars as the stars were with themselves.
Editor’s Note: Many viewers have pointed out that the show began on an ominous note, as unschooled Ricky Gervais encouraged winners to simply accept their awards and then graciously sit down. Fortunately, the wise artists competing for the prizes paid him no heed, and the important, glorious award show proceeded in the glorious tradition of all important and glorious award shows in history. We can only assume that Gervais’ offensive comments will be deleted by all responsible mainstream media outlets.