After undercover footage showed actor Vince Vaughn fraternizing with public enemy Donald Trump, Twitter convened an emergency Cancel Court to determine an appropriate punishment for what has been deemed “the most egregious misconduct since Benedict Arnold did… whatever it was that Benedict Arnold did.”
Editor’s note: Bear in mind that Twitter courts are comprised of public school system victims who have no knowledge of American history.
And despite his assertion that conversing and shaking hands with Trump was merely a social grace, the jury sentenced him to “the filming of a laboriously long guaranteed box office bomb, to consist of a terrible remake of his former terrible remake of Hitchcock’s classic Psycho.”
Vaughn’s attorney protested the harsh punishment, noting that Hollywood icons such as Roman Polanski have been rewarded with Academy Awards for victimizing children, but the jury was not swayed.
“Roman Polanski was I guess a super famous director, right? And Vince Vaughn is a D-list actor,” explained a juror (who wished to remain anonymous because he wasn’t supposed to be using the computer on a school night, because of the flunking out of Biology 101 and the little incident with giving pot to the neighbor’s goldfish).
“Vince hasn’t even won a Golden Globe,” the juror elaborated. “If I was an actor, I would for sure have won a Golden Globe by now.”