Bernie promises unattractive supporters “equal valentines for all”

By Stewart Butterfield - Flickr: Valentines Chocolates, CC BY 2.0,

In his continued effort to reach disenfranchised voter pools, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders attended a Valentine’s Day Antifa rally at Harvard University, where desperate students who are apparently too homely to show their faces in public had gathered after being unable to secure dates for the big night.

And he had just the message for his “disproportionately unpopular” fans.

“For too long,” boomed the equality-loving Sanders, “Valentine’s Day has belonged to the beautiful. The clever. The pleasant. The brave enough to show their faces and not pick on little old ladies and children.

“That ends with me,” he vowed to roaring applause from his masked audience.

Sanders detailed his plans for providing a more inclusive holiday, starting with redistributing Valentine’s Day cards and gifts equally across the likability spectrum. He also vowed to ensure that the poor were given free Godiva chocolates and not the cheap kind from the dollar store.

“Those who are unable to maintain employment due to their activism schedules will no longer be prevented from enjoying acceptable brands of holiday delicacies,” railed Sanders. “Your contribution to society is equal to anybody else’s, and we’re going to start treating you that way. Being insufferable to everyone else should not equal being miserable yourself.

“Attractive and intelligent people have a hard enough time finding love,” concluded Sanders. “What chance do you people have?”