Shocking voters who drank heavily or lived off the grid throughout the 2016 election, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) has abruptly instituted a new candidate age limit of 77, which would make front-runner Bernie Sanders ineligible for the nomination.
DNC Chairperson Tom Perez announced the new rule immediately after Senator Sanders obliterated his Democratic competition today in the Nevada caucus, but he rushed to assure voters that the move was in no way an attempt to “kneecap” an undesirable candidate.
“The DNC is neutral,” Perez stated firmly. “And we love Bernie. Love him. This new rule has been in the works since last election.” He paused before adding, “Although four years ago, you might recall Debbie Wasserman-Schultz intended to set the age limit at 73.
“People live longer now,” he hurried to explain, ”so we feel Joe Biden, at 77, is still young enough to handle the presidency.”
After accusations of rigging erupted from reporters and Sanders supporters alike, Perez refused to answer further questions and excused himself to attend an “impromptu, unplanned” dinner with Biden.
He paused only long enough to turn around and remind all present that “the DNC is neutral, no matter what you might have read in any leaked emails.”