Dem candidates praise Hitler’s employment programs, Lenin’s equality agenda

Photo Credit: Lynn Greyling

In an effort to keep up with Bernie Sanders’ seemingly unstoppable presidential campaign, strategists have reportedly been urging other candidates to adopt some of his more popular qualities and talking points. But after being old, white, and male failed to bring the results his opponents had expected, they have now begun following Sanders’ lead by celebrating policies popularized by successful dictators. 

And thanks to a government-run education system, the tactic is evidently meeting with great success. 

Speaking on condition of anonymity, one advisor spoke optimistically about the new tactic, enthusiastically explaining that “nobody realizes these programs ultimately killed millions of people, so they’re actually an easy sell. Hitler ended unemployment, Lenin fought racism… what’s not to love? We just sprinkle terms like ‘equality’ in the speeches, and we keep it on the down low that the citizens under these regimes were all just ‘equally’ dead.

“That deal we made with CNN to get them a monopoly on public school channels was worth every penny,” the advisor concluded with a chuckle. “Next week, they’re broadcasting a discussion on the triumphs of Stalin’s military revolution. You know, to get the support of the more conservative kids who are into that army stuff.

“We want to make sure we’ve covered all our bases both on mainstream news and in the public schools. Gotta start ’em young before sound reason and life experiences set in.”