Brian Williams leaves MSNBC to become math teacher

By David Shankbone - Shankbone, CC BY 3.0,

MSNBC anchor Brian Willaims, affectionately known as “Lyin’ Brian,” has evidently told his last entertaining tale on the celebrated fiction network. And he says the reason for his switch from reporter to public school teacher is strictly financial.

“I ran the numbers,” a somber Williams told the audience on his last day, “and it turns out that my $40 million net worth will not be enough to survive much longer. I had to look into something more lucrative, and one of those aptitude tests we give to public school kids told me that I should definitely go into something related to math.”

Williams went on to explain that dividing his age by the number of letters in his name, then carrying the dividend, he realized that his millions would only last him until three years ago.

“It’s obviously a miracle I’ve survived this long,” he said with tears in his eyes. “The stats say I should have starved to death by now. So I wish I could continue my storytelling career, but I don’t have Michael Bloomberg money.”

He concluded bitterly, “I can barely afford all my mansions. I certainly can’t buy them for every other American like Bloomberg could if he weren’t so greedy.”