Christians complain Bible calamity calendar in wrong order

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After collectively shelling out millions to televangelists for their own personalized Last Days Calamity Calendar, many Christians are expressing frustration that the “earthquakes, famines and pestilences” foreseen in the Gospel of Luke are not occurring in order, as the seller promised.

“I was guaranteed by the pastor on the television that I could plan out my last days according to this calendar,” grumbled one dissatisfied customer. “I pay $19.95 plus shipping and handling, and I end up getting this endless pestilence first? It’s been almost two years since the pandemic started, and we haven’t even had a famine here yet. My Armageddon schedule is completely off.”

Another angry buyer agreed, saying, “I ordered these for my whole congregation, and now I just look silly.”

She hurried to add, however, “I don’t blame that TV preacher, because I know he’s just following what the Bible says. It’s that St. Luke who messed this up.”

“All I can say is that I’d better be getting an earthquake next,” lamented another frustrated customer. “It’s bad enough that this stuff is not coming in chronological order. We’d better not skip any.”

The husband and wife evangelist couple who sold the calendar in question could not be reached at any of their six homes, but sources say they are currently in their private jet en route to sell any extra calendars to hungry children in Africa.