After collectively shelling out millions to televangelists for their own personalized Last Days Calamity Calendar, many Christians are expressing frustration that the “earthquakes, famines and pestilences” foreseen in the Gospel of Luke are not occurring in order, as the seller promised.
“I was guaranteed by the pastor on the television that I could plan out my last days according to this calendar,” grumbled one dissatisfied customer. “I pay $19.95 plus shipping and handling, and I end up getting the pestilence first? The earthquake in Utah didn’t hit us until months after that beer virus started, and now my Armageddon schedule is completely off.”
Another angry buyer agreed, saying, “I ordered these for my whole congregation, and now I just look silly.”
She hurried to add, however, “I don’t blame that TV preacher, because I know he’s just following what the Bible says. It’s that St. Luke who messed this up.”
“All I can say is that I’d better be getting a famine next,” lamented another frustrated customer. “It’s bad enough that this stuff is not coming in chronological order. We’d better not skip any.”
The husband and wife evangelist couple who sold the calendar in question could not be reached at any of their six homes, but sources say they are currently in their private jet en route to sell any extra calendars to hungry children in Africa.