Emergency task force to rename all diseases CNN suddenly deems offensive

Secretary of Defense Leon E. Panetta is interviewed by ABC's This Week host Jake Tapper at the Newseum and Vietnam Veterans Memorial, Washington, D.C., May 25, 2012. (DoD photo by Petty Officer 1st Class Chad J. McNeeley/Released)

While more backward world citizens worry about physical suffering and death caused by rampant illness, advanced thinkers at CNN are working to mitigate the less visible (but more pernicious) fallout from the disease names themselves, which they just minutes ago determined were offensive.

Approximately 5 minutes after repeatedly referring to the newest novel coronavirus as “the Chinese virus,” CNN blasted those still using the obviously derogatory term. 

“We realized long ago that referring to a pathogen by the area of origin is offensive,” complained ace reporter Jake Tapper, looking at his stopwatch. “I don’t know why other people haven’t caught up and changed their terminology yet.”

After viewers pointed out that despite their warranted outrage at the archaic name of the disease now known as COVID-19, CNN continued to refer to numerous other illnesses by location of first infection, Tapper explained that the network already had a task force to remedy the problem. And although this news seemed to surprise everyone else at CNN, Tapper insisted he had been planning for it “at least since lunch today, and it would be nice if everyone else would keep up.”

Tapper says the names immediately being changed include West Nile Virus, Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, Lyme Disease, and also the “common cold,” which is offensive merely because nobody wants an illness that sounds like every Tom, Dick, and Harry has already had it.

CNN has promised to come out with an updated list of names by next week and just asks that nobody talk about any diseases before that time.