After many citizens lost both their patience and their homes waiting for Congress to agree on a COVID-19 stimulus bill, struggling Americans were finally hopeful that this latest round of negotiations would give them some relief.
Unfortunately, several “vital” sticking points remained, according to obviously distraught humanitarian Nancy Pelosi.
“Republicans clearly fail to recognize the difference between necessities and extravagances,” lamented Pelosi, impeccably clad in the ball gown and pink tiara already granted her in a previous stimulus compromise. “I care more about struggling businesses than anybody, but as an American princess, I simply can’t help them without having the proper resources I need to feel like real authoritarian royalty.
“And despite what you might have heard from Republican leakers,” she quickly added, “the veterinarian did NOT say I was a hazard to the spinal health of a small pony.”
As of press time, tensions remained high between the Democrat and Republican factions of Congress. However, sources say some progress seems to have been made, with Pelosi open to the idea of a full-sized horse “and maybe a voucher for Disneyland with unlimited churros.”