Trump recklessly encourages Lysol use; millions die after injecting it

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In yet another foolhardy attempt to assume the role of medical expert, President Trump took the unauthorized initiative to advise citizens to sanitize surfaces with Lysol in an attempt to kill the virulent COVID-19 pathogen. And despite the fact that a medical doctor had made a nearly identical suggestion mere moments before, viewers were quick to point out that “it just sounded stupid when Trump said it.”

The backlash proved to be well founded, as numerous laypersons understandably inferred from Trump’s words that any delivery method of antiseptic would suffice, including (but not limited to) direct bodily injection. Millions of recreational drug users traded their usual heroin for lemon-fresh kitchen cleaner and just mainlined the citrusy goodness. And although the cleanliness of the veins could not be determined due to the unforeseen and untimely demise of the subjects, doctors speculate that any COVID-19 had indeed probably been annihilated.

Although Trump has thus far denied responsibility for anybody who didn’t read the warning label in large bold font RIGHT ON THE FRONT OF THE BOTTLE, attorneys are gleefully lining up to prove his clear fault in the injuries and deaths. “Without his confusing statement that ‘cleaning stuff is good,’ surely no reasonably intelligent person would have taken this dangerous action,” ranted respected, albeit disbarred, attorney F. Lee Bailey.