Christians disguise church as abortion clinic to attend Easter services in peace

By hyolee2 - Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0,

After being told a mere religious holiday “that could just wait until next year” clearly did not qualify as a time-sensitive event, Christia… er, Easter worshippers… allegedly camouflaged their church to resemble an abortion clinic, in a shameful attempt to pass theselves off as an “essential” business. 

Recently, government officials across the country ordered their royal subjects to postpone all non-essential activity until the end of the current COVID-1 pandemic. And because the commoners were unable to determine for themselves what might qualify as essential occupations, lawmakers polled Planned Parenthood and other unbiased sources to come up with a list that would safely control the behavior of every citizen. 

Upon due consideration, these experts determined that abortion was virtually the only activity urgent enough to warrant leaving the house (as well as using limited lifesaving medical equipment and personnel). Experts emphasized that church, funerals, school, visiting family, any form of recreation, breathing, laughing, and driving more than 1.256 miles from home were obviously unnecessary and likely to result in massive loss of life in the “vulnerable” population. 

Deliberately killing the most vulnerable of all human beings, however, was determined to be a basic human right.

In a press conference, a Planned Parenthood representative explained that bodily autonomy transcended all other rights, but that this autonomy obviously did not extend to being allowed to leave one’s home for any reason, “unless it was to get abortion, duh.”

She concluded, “What these churchgoers did was selfish and irresponsible. It’s like they think they can do whatever they want and make innocent, helpless human beings pay the price with their lives.”