Joe Exotic’s lions’ den seized by FBI to imprison religious worshipers

By Peter Paul Rubens - qgE_ZHxscNNGbA at Google Cultural Institute maximum zoom level, Public Domain,

After repeatedly refusing to worship only the benevolent and almighty State, patrons of drive-in religious services have been sentenced to the standard penalty of being consumed by lions. And with the efficiency typical of the FBI, the Bureau has “reappropriated” the exotic animal zoo formerly used by the imprisoned Joe Exotic to both house and kill the infidels.

In light of the recent COVID-19 outbreak and resulting social distancing orders, religious zealots across the country have taken to participating in drive-in church services, noting that spreading the virus from vehicle to vehicle is impossible. However, lawmakers have made clear that the lack of respect for their absolute authority, not concern over the actual health of their subjects, is the primary purpose of the laws.

And they have finally decided that no penalty other than being mauled to death by wild animals seems to be a possible deterrent.

Happily, authorities were able to gain access to a wild animal zoo perfect for the necessary purpose, simply by showing up with guns and politely asking the willing new guardians of the exotic animals for their cooperation, after which they used the same gracious approach to gain ownership of Joe Exotic’s former animal enclosure. They have also taken control of the church building until such time as the members agree to abide by their simple rules.

“We feel that this has been a success all around,” boasted one anonymous FBI agent. “These wild animals have been put where they belong, and we now control the habitat they clearly love. 

“Oh, and the same can be said of the lions and tigers,” the source hastily added.