Poll confirms those who disagree with you “want people to die”

PC: Vic on Flickr

As the debate rages over the ideal COVID-19 protocol, experts have been able to agree on only one point: anybody who has a different opinion than yours has adopted that stance with the clear intention of killing people. 

Our staff interviewed 100 random subjects on their positions regarding several current questions, including the need to open the economy and the effectiveness of the general public wearing surgical masks. All 100 individuals reported that they could claim with “absolute certainty” that 1) their opinions were correct, and 2) anybody who said otherwise was a murderer and “probably really happy about it.”

One anonymous respondent, who randomly shouted “Don’t tread on me!” after each of her answers, commented that the economy needed to completely open immediately. She explained that expecting any food service to temporarily go online or curbside was a gross violation of her right to assemble (her meal from the salad bar of her choice). She added that expecting anyone to adopt any new sanitation guidelines would obviously result in starvation, first to her and then to the proprietors of any food service. 

Another respondent countered that if shutting down all businesses would save “even one life” from COVID-19, then not only starvation but also lost business, poverty, isolation, and depression would be worth the sacrifice. He finished by asking the first respondent why she wanted people to die, to which she screamed something about Ron Paul and demanded that Golden Corral open immediately so she could exercise her rights.

All of the other 98 people questioned gave answers nearly identical to either the first or the second, and our expert statistician pollster analyst professionals were able to conclusively determine that 100% of the people who claim you are wrong are indeed trying to kill you.